Wow it has been awhile since I have written a blog post and a lot has happened in my life over the last six months! As many know I am engaged to the love of my life who I will marry in less than 2 months! I could not be happier but this joy and love has not happened without struggle and heartache. About six months ago now I wrote this following post but the wound was too fresh at the time to share. Now I want to share all the struggles and most importantly joys of the guy that changed my life!!!
December 16, 2013:
“Everyone is broken”...I have heard this phrase several times in the past couple weeks but I really disregarded it until today. I know everyone is broken, even myself, but I was feeling so great that I didn’t take the time to stop and think on it. So many people have different degrees of hurt and healing. Sometimes we can be going along just fine and that right thing pricks the skin or busts a scab, and it brings about new hurts or reveals old ones. We all have these things…we are all broken. For me personally though, a scab was picked recently. But in this case I believe that God picked it because it wasn’t healing properly.
You see a week and a half ago I met this guy...this guy is the nicest guy I have ever met. We girls see all the time in chick flicks and sometimes even in the real world, these guys that are completely in love with these girls and treat them like princesses. I don’t know what girl wouldn’t want that. I know I wanted that. It wasn't until I met this particular guy however, that I realized how broken I was and how deep my past hurts really were. It was not as easy as I thought it would/should be.
I have been in a couple lengthy relationships in the past that did not turn out so well. One, way worse than the other but both came with challenges. In these relationships I endured sexual pressures, manipulation, unappreciation, verbal abuse and not to mention all the issues during the breakups. In all, these two relationships lasted a total of 3½ consecutive years, which is a long time for these things to leave deep wounds. In the past two years however, as a single woman, I have healed a lot and have forgiven and made peace with this past. The thing that I didn’t realize, is how much deeper than this, it really cut.
It wasn’t until I met this guy…who is such a sweet Christian guy, that I am starting to understand how much I was affected by my past. You see this guy is incredible. He treats me how every girl should be treated and deserves to be treated. However, today I woke up feeling so unworthy. Like I did not deserve a guy who could treat me right and care so much about me after a couple short weeks. It just wasn’t making since.
The thing is that when you have had such a challenging past you begin to doubt the future. I tend to think a guy that is super sweet won’t stay that way for long or if a guy is disrespectful in some way that I deserve it. I have found it so hard to wrap my mind around someone who can genuinely care about me and want to be with me. I feel so unworthy of such a guy.
I worry about the future. I have been hurt so much that I question my own judgment. I have an inner battle within. One side is so overwhelmed with joy being around this guy and the other is filled with doubt and unworthiness. I’m sincere in my words but know there is a part of me that’s not willing to let down my guard. I worry about making the same mistakes…moving to fast too quickly, being blinded by my own genuine care, etc…
BUT GOD…It is amazing what God can redeem! His timing and plans are perfect, always. As my mom reminded me today, God is good! He sees me as worthy, as His beloved daughter and as precious as a jewel. He sees my past mistakes and purifies me. He gives me things, good things, I deserve in His perfect timing. It is just so overwhelmingly good! Prayer is surrounding him and I in this and I trust my Daddy to take care of me! HIS WILL, HIS WAY J I look forward to seeing what the future holds!!!
I look forward to not only having that deep intimate connection but having a best friend. Someone I can count on to always be there! To go on crazy adventures with and to hold me tight when I’m hurting. Things are so different for me this time and I want to do things differently. I want to honor God in every way, always. With all my hurt I believe we can make this happen but it will take a lot of hardwork and love. I look forward to this journey and walking side by side every step of the way. I’m thankful God has given me this opportunity to grow in so many ways and to see an image of His love in human form!
Today (June 10, 2014):
Looking back on this post I can still feel the pain that I felt when I wrote this and some of the struggle still remains today. God is still working to put the pieces back together for me to be ready to be the wife that my future husband deserves! Despite all of this my man has remained true and supportive throughout this whole time. He is the greatest blessing God could have given me! While only being 21 and he 20 I couldn't be more ready to marry this amazing man.
I have gained new understanding throughout this journey that God's timing is not restricted by this world. Like any normal couple, already knowing that we wanted this relationship to last, we had plans before becoming engaged and getting married. However, God worked in miraculous ways by bringing his family here to meet me and my family. Allowing me to go to Indiana to spend time with his family and friends over spring break. And finally, as heartbreaking and difficult as it was he gave me the strength to turn over the mission trip to Burkina Faso to two wonderful ladies. All of this, along with many busy weekends to come this year, led to a wedding date much sooner than expected. But yet not soon enough!
We are so blessed to have each other in our lives and most importantly to have God at the controls!